Well I can't believe the time has passed by so quick. I can not even imagine 5 years ago I would be saying that my daughter has been dead 2 years ago March 19th. I am typing this today because I know on March 19th I will not be in the mood for it. This past year I have become less angry over the death, I guess you would say I have gone beyond the anger portion of my grief process. I was blaming everyone even Khristy. I was mad at her for leaving me. It was my fault because I had let her down as a mother. Now I know that I did the best I could under the circumstances. As parents we all want what is best for our children, sometimes we fall short of it due to whatever reason. I could not have stopped her from doing drugs. She was a grown women and has been making decisions for a long time before she make the final one that ended her life.
This year I have had moments of joy went I think of her as a child and some of he things she use to do. I can remember when she started school and I had bought this sweater for her to wear, well she worn that sweater everyday and it was a hassle for me to get it off her to wash it, I even have a school pic with her wearing the sweater. She was my first child and I was 19 at the time of her birth. I was just a kid myself so you can say we grew up together. She had the prettiest long blond hair and I use to put it in french braids when she would let me, most of time it was a hassle just to comb it, After she got married she had cut her hair and really regretted doing so, I think she had grown it out after that, then cut it again because of bleaching it so much....I don't know what she looked at the time of her death. Whether she was letting her hair grow once more or not. I will have to ask Mom because she saw her the December before she died the following March. Anyway as I ramble on here. She and her brother would always get along and play together when they were young, but when they turned 12 it seemed like they just woke up and decided to start fighting. I told them one time I believed they dreamed of fighting in their sleep. Khristy was always a sweet and loving child and the hugs she use to give me I felt them in my soul. Even when she became a adult she hug me like that, just a very heart felt hug that I always knew she loved me no matter what was going on between us at the time. I sure do miss thoses hugs. I can look at her pics now and it doesn't hurt as bad. I don't think I am quite ready to have one out all the time, but at least I have got to the point that I can look at them without my soul being ripped apart.
I feel she is among me at times if I stop and listen I can hear her voice talking to me and telling me she is alright and in a better place now. Also telling me to stop what I am doing if I get very frustrated in what I am doing at the time. Kind of like watching over me. Maybe I have lost my mind thinking she is talking to me. But it brings a comfort to me and a sense of peace. It helps me cope. There is thousands of little moments I had with her and am proud to be her mother and happy I had her as long as I did. Sometimes I do have regrets, and wished I would have handled things differently, but I am sure all parents think that way whether their children are still with them or not. Khristy I miss you so very much, You will always be in my heart and when I get that warm feeling when I am thinking of you I know you are giving one of thoses hugs that I long for everyday.
No comments:
Post a Comment