Looks like I am good at posting once a month

Well I guess I need to post something here or give it up, and I hate to just give it up since I have spent so much time posting. No one but one person puts a comment so I don't know whether the friends and family I sent the site to are even bothering to read it. I suppose I shouldn't be concerned with that considering I do a lot of emails and hardly get a answer back. Some people just don't like to communicate and that is it so I shouldn't take it personally.

I have been trying to trace my ancestry on both my parent side....I joined ancestry.com for a month just to get old records, you can get so much for free then when you want to dig deeper you have to pay, no matter what site you go to, well I have found some information but still have a long way to go. I have so far found my great great grandfather on my mother's side....but can't find census that list who was in household. Sometimes it gets so frustrating that you just want to give up......But I would like to find some juicy story in my family....I do know what mom told my sister(which she can't keep a secret) my sister told me that while my grandfather Coffey was in France during WW 1 he father a child....Now I have no idea where I would get that on record....So my mother had a half sister that was french and no one in my family wants to find out about it except me. Even mom kept it to herself until about 10 years ago. If it was me I would want to know all about it and get to meet this person before they died, maybe they are already dead....That's my family for you. Love them to death but they aren't one's for communication at all.

I am still on the grieving site and have met a lot of new friend's that their child or children have died also, matter of fact Khristy's birthday is Sept 9th she would have been 35 if she was alive. I went through some sort of fog for about two weeks and now just beginning to return to being normal. It seems to happen around holidays, birthday, death dates.....Even 9/11 brought a saddest to my day, well yeah the twin towers were blown up due to human missile in the sky and so many people died that's gloom all in it's self...But that was the first day I met Peter in person so that's a happy time for me even with all the deaths. But then I think of Khristy calling me that morning and asking me if Peter was ok then telling about the twin towers and I get sad again...Just a rollacoaster of emotions going on in my mind once you start thinking you can't stop the thoughts you no matter what you try to do to get your mind off the thoughts....Believe I have tried.

As soon as Molly my dog gets in heat I am going to breed her. I have already made arrangements with these people that own a stud dog. We have went out to met the dog with Molly and they are great together. What faults Molly has the other dog doesn't and vice versa. The woman that owns the stud dog wants one of the puppies for the stud fee. Both of their pedigree are very good. Matter of fact the only two dog that has ever won best in show at crufts in England both our dogs comes from that line. Crufts is the biggest dog show in the world and everybody from all over the world that has a good show dog competes there. So yeah I am planning on getting into show dogs.....Yeah I am crazy.....Let's just hope I win the lottery and all my dreams will come true......

No Post No Cry

I haven't been posting here very much is because I have finally got into a good grief group on the Internet and that site has a journal have been posting there and posting on other people's journals that I have just been posted out. My MRI showed no growth so that means they will do another one in about 18 months time,so that was very good news. Just wait and see.....

I joined classmates for three months only just to get this one girl to email me that I use to work with, also graduated from High School with but we never really hung out in School. The site will not let you give out your email so you have to type it in a way that the computer can't pick it up as a address, and it worked she emailed. I had been thinking a lot lately of her and her mother. We all use to work in the doctor's office back in Kentucky many moons ago and just kind of lost touch with one another after I quit. Well I would see one or the other by a chance meeting while shopping or something like that.....Anyway her mom passed away in 2004 of brain cancer and her cousin(which was also in our graduation class) died a year earlier of colon cancer. Even though it was nice to hear from her I felt so bad for the grief she must be going through. She was really close to her mom they went every where together. But I am glad we are back in contact with one another. It was the best 15.00 I have ever spent...I have lost 7 lbs already, still doing the walking weather permitting. I am not going to starve myself and I do have a sweet every now and then. So I was really surprised when I got on the scales and lost that much weight. Well Its been over a month and still on the diet cokes, I think the diet coke have made my taste buds numb. LOL

The birds are finally out of the house now just need to clean up that room a bit and Move Molly the dog in that room so we can have our bathroom back. Trying to build anything outside this summer is a pain in the ass. You start to do something it rains then when you go inside the sun come out, after a few times of this you just give up and play computer games...LOL Playing yo yo with the weather is not my idea of fun....

Peter lost his job because they were downsizing at the hotel where he was working, which is going to a set back for us, how big of a set back depends on how quickly he gets another job. So we will cross our fingers and hope he gets a job real soon.

I am still taking care of ungrateful patients.....Not all of them mind you, but we do have a few that I just don't want to even go into their room to take care of them. About two weeks ago we had this big man that kept falling on the floor, well he didn't really fall because as big as he was we would of hear a boom no matter where was, then start yelling. He knew how to use the call bell because the day nurses said he kept them running to his room all day. He did my back in, and my back was getting so much better on night shift. Because when we went to pick him up he just acted completely helpless....Thank God he went home because if he was on the floor again I was going to get a pillow and cover and let him sleep there because I couldn't lift him anymore with my back hurting the way is was, now I am back on pain pills and using my back support again every time I work. I do have compassion but when it comes to people like him, I am not going to be cripple for the rest of my life because he can't behave like a human being. With that being said I will close for now and get back to my computer games looks like rain.

Hospital, Doctors and Music

I went last week to the hospital for my MRI second ,one to see what the growth rate is of my tumor. I will not have the results until sometimes next week. So I am hoping no growth at all....Then of course my annal blood work was do for my thyroid so that was the trip to the doctor. I called today to get those results and everything was fine, I just keep on taking my Eltroxin as prescribed....

Now I have been downloading music and burning to CD's to send to my daughter and sister. Have been meaning to do that for awhile, but just never got into the mood so this week I got in the mood. My mother ended up in the hospital last week with pneumonia(which she is out and fine now) was talking to my sister and she happen to mention that they had been listening to Celtic Woman so thought I would download some of their music and then I got carried away as usual and ended up downloading a lot more Irish music for them.

I am starting to go walking with this girl that I work with today. We was suppose to start Wednesday but it was pouring down the rain. So today seems to be pretty nice cloudy but not raining....Hoping to lose about 24 lbs. Buying low fat foods and trying to snack on fruit. I changed to diet cokes(which is killing me) I hate diet drinks but I just had to do it. I don;t want to go another dress size and if I don;t do something now I will hit a size 16..... Plus hoping by getting some of this weight off I will have more energy, and of course feel better about myself. For the last two years I have just let myself go just not giving a darn....I think it was due to the death of my daughter, I just gave up and said what the hell does anything matter. I have come to realize a lot of things matter and I matter, I can't just give up, I have to get my life back....Change needs to happen and I need to make it happen. So with that said I will end my pep talk to myself. Sun is shining have to get outside before it goes away. LOL

Getting Better

Not that I was sick or anything, but I think my mind has been through some kind of change here lately. I am not as stessed out as I sometimes let myself do. I don't know why I do this to myself, I should just take things as they come and get on with life, but sometimes my mind won't let me do that, it's telling me I should worry and get stressed out over really nothing....So I am going to take each day as it comes and try real hard not to get all stressed out....That being said I have another driving test coming up on June the 4th. I am taking driving lessons in order to hopefully pass this time, plus I am studying the rules of the road. Today I take the car to get it serviced, my hand brake is not holding on a hill and that is one of things that I have to do on the test is a hill start using hand brake....

I have bought flowers to go into my hanging basket, but haven't put them up as of yet, I did do some repotting of some plants that needed a bigger container today, it started raining while I was doing that so I quite and came inside to check my email then decided to write in my blog since it has been awhile since I have done so.

Peter is such a wonderful man, I can't really say enough good things about about him. He is the most thoughtful and understanding man I have ever met. I am so thankful to have him in my life. We have been together 7 years and they have past by so fast, it seems like yesterday since we met. Our life hasn't been a fairytale but we have been there for one another since we have gotten together and will be for the rest of our lives. He believes in me more than I can believe in myself, how do you do that???? If he wasn't with during the time my daughter died I shutter to think where I would be today. The emotional support he gave me and still gives me is beyond words. Peter the Great.....I love you with all my heart....

More Pic's

Finally got the pics downloaded from my camera phone. These are pics that I took when Peter's daughter came for a visit. I will add a few at a time. Nothing much has happen since I last posted. Hopefully we will have good weather this year so we can get some yard work done this summer. The weather is warming up a bit but not enough to do anything outside so far.

My mother had a heart attack about 3 weeks ago. She is now home from the hospital and doing fine. The doctor wanted her to have a triple bypass but she has refused to have that surgery. So the Dr. has put her on more pills, so she told me she was now taking about 10 pills a day. My Mom don't like taking pills either so we will see how she does. My brother has really gain my respect during this time he was with her from the beginning and stayed with her a week after she left the hospital. My son and daughter even went to see her. All of them live about 200 miles from where she lives. I wished I could have been there but just couldn't afford it at this time, if she would have had a massive heart attack I would have to gather up as much money as I could and made do to go over. Thank God she is alright now.

Snow pics

These were taken in Feb. 2008. I was very surprised when I woke up and saw all this snow. This is the first time we have had this much snow since I have been living in Ireland. Still pretty but really glad it was one of my days off so I didn't have to drive in it.

Another Washing Machine Has Bit The Dust

When I move to Ireland Peter had this washing machine that you had to beat on the door or front of the machine in order to get it going. Like Fonzy on Happy Days when he hit on the juke box to get it going. Anyway too many beating and the washing machine finally gave up. We went washing machine shopping. At that time really wasn't familiar with the brand names here in Ireland and Peter didn't know too much either. Maybe he did but just didn't say or did say and I didn't listen well anyway, we found this machine that had all the controls that I wanted form a machine, like hand washing a wool setting and a just spin cycle things like that..... It worked fine for the first few years then it started breaking down about 2 years ago. It was still under warrant so had to pay for the service charge which was almost 100.00 euro at the time. He put in a new motor and electrical system pretty much oer haul the whole machine. That work for another 8 months then it started acting up again, once again another service call another 100.00 euros and new motor... Then this week it started smoking while I was doing a load. I turn off the machine and unplugged it because I was afraid it was going to set on fire. When Peter got in form work tried it again and the electric system was completely gone. I am tired of dealing with this washing machine so we are going to day to get another one. I expect a washing machine to at least last 10 years trouble free..... this has only lasted 5 years. The brand I am going to get is Hot point because they seem to be more of a reliable brand that sells over here so people have told me. I brought a Hoover for God sakes, they make vacuum cleaners in the states and not very good ones at that, why would I think their washing machine would be good????? I also brought a Hoover dryer that has been giving me problems around the same time I bought the washing machine....The ball bearing is going out of it and it would cost me more to fix it than to get another one. I might just get a dryer while I am at it, because any day now the dryer could go... Well there going my saving account I have been saving up since the first of the year. I was hoping to maybe go on some vacation this year....Well maybe it will all work out....I am going to be positive about this. Just a minor set back......

Happy Easter to everyone

It Will Be 2 Years March 19th

Well I can't believe the time has passed by so quick. I can not even imagine 5 years ago I would be saying that my daughter has been dead 2 years ago March 19th. I am typing this today because I know on March 19th I will not be in the mood for it. This past year I have become less angry over the death, I guess you would say I have gone beyond the anger portion of my grief process. I was blaming everyone even Khristy. I was mad at her for leaving me. It was my fault because I had let her down as a mother. Now I know that I did the best I could under the circumstances. As parents we all want what is best for our children, sometimes we fall short of it due to whatever reason. I could not have stopped her from doing drugs. She was a grown women and has been making decisions for a long time before she make the final one that ended her life.

This year I have had moments of joy went I think of her as a child and some of he things she use to do. I can remember when she started school and I had bought this sweater for her to wear, well she worn that sweater everyday and it was a hassle for me to get it off her to wash it, I even have a school pic with her wearing the sweater. She was my first child and I was 19 at the time of her birth. I was just a kid myself so you can say we grew up together. She had the prettiest long blond hair and I use to put it in french braids when she would let me, most of time it was a hassle just to comb it, After she got married she had cut her hair and really regretted doing so, I think she had grown it out after that, then cut it again because of bleaching it so much....I don't know what she looked at the time of her death. Whether she was letting her hair grow once more or not. I will have to ask Mom because she saw her the December before she died the following March. Anyway as I ramble on here. She and her brother would always get along and play together when they were young, but when they turned 12 it seemed like they just woke up and decided to start fighting. I told them one time I believed they dreamed of fighting in their sleep. Khristy was always a sweet and loving child and the hugs she use to give me I felt them in my soul. Even when she became a adult she hug me like that, just a very heart felt hug that I always knew she loved me no matter what was going on between us at the time. I sure do miss thoses hugs. I can look at her pics now and it doesn't hurt as bad. I don't think I am quite ready to have one out all the time, but at least I have got to the point that I can look at them without my soul being ripped apart.

I feel she is among me at times if I stop and listen I can hear her voice talking to me and telling me she is alright and in a better place now. Also telling me to stop what I am doing if I get very frustrated in what I am doing at the time. Kind of like watching over me. Maybe I have lost my mind thinking she is talking to me. But it brings a comfort to me and a sense of peace. It helps me cope. There is thousands of little moments I had with her and am proud to be her mother and happy I had her as long as I did. Sometimes I do have regrets, and wished I would have handled things differently, but I am sure all parents think that way whether their children are still with them or not. Khristy I miss you so very much, You will always be in my heart and when I get that warm feeling when I am thinking of you I know you are giving one of thoses hugs that I long for everyday.

The Visit Is Over

Peter's daughter Kelley, her husband Ron and their child Rachel graced our presence only for a short time. We enjoyed every minute of their visit only wished it would have been longer. I am still trying to get pics downloaded from mobile phone. Lucky Peter took pics with his digital camera so I will try today to download into the computer. Anyway we didn't really go anywhere special just stayed at home and enjoyed talking to them we had two long night sessions of up all night talking and drinking. LOL Well really one night with the drinking. While they were their Peter's other daughter and her boyfriend came to stay for a few days also, so we had a house full... We did all go to a Christening(which was the baby of Peter's son) that they had back in January. So all in all it was a busy time but a joyous time. They all left on a Sunday. It was Ron first trip to Ireland and meeting all of the Lawlor's which I am sure he was overwhelmed, but he took it for the gentleman he is, typical polite American. Peter ended up cooking which was a joy on my part. He has been watching this program on TV called master chief. Which is or should I say was because the program is off for the time being. Anyway about people throughout England in competition to become a superior chief the best one wins and goes on to become employed as a chief which wasn't really quite precise while watching the program where this person would be employed. So Peter was inspired by watching this and started making all these good dishes. This fruit dessert with carmel topping is to die for.....He has used Peaches or Pears so far for the fruit.

When family come for a visit then leave it kind of makes you depressed for a couple of days after they are gone. I find myself that way when I go visit people especially back in the USA. When my plane takes off of American soil I usually end up crying during take off. Even though you had a good visit, I try not to show emotion when I am saying good bye to everyone in person I wait until I get on the plane. If I cried every time I said good bye to people I would be crying all day long on my last day of visiting so I just try to store it all up until I get on the plane. It really takes a lot to hold back the tears when I say good bye to my Mom because I never know from one visit to the next whether I will see her again in this life time because she is getting up in age. So many moments of saying good bye......

The Living Dead

Being on night shift has reminded me of what my life use to be.....I was working mostly night shifts when I lived in the USA. Since I have moved to Ireland I been working day shift. The patients hae gotten heavier and I have back problems from it, so I have been filling in for night shift nurses for one reason or another. My back doesn't act up as much when I work night shift as I have noticed since I have been filling in for other nurses. A shift opened up on nights so I went ahead and took it.... Now everything is coming back to me about night shift.... I can't remember the days anymore for it seems like I go to work sleep and go to work so I am constantly forgetting the days... I hate it when that happens. I blame it on night shift and not me getting older...LOL The reason I call it the living dead because you feel that way sometimes, especially when your worked your shifts and your trying to get back to normal hours for the rest of the week. Like right now, I have finished my two twelve hour shifts and I can't go to sleep yet I can't do anything else either, so I just sit around like a zombie until sleep finally comes to me. If I had to carry on a conversation with someone I just don't think I could handle it. The drive home for me was enough. I remember one time I had the big idea of doing grocery shopping after getting off a 12 hour shift. I was wondering around the store didn't remember what the heck I was there for and think this was a bad idea, when my ex husband came up to me while I was looking at the eggs, we was married at the time and I had no idea he was going to be at the store, he just started laughing at me because I just looked so lost. I couldn't help but laugh at myself also because I was so sleep depraved I had no idea what I was laughing at,plus I was lost because I didn't need eggs anyway. Well it was funny at the time.or maybe I just thought it was funny at the time. I feel like that at this time standing staring at the eggs.

As I get older I find myself reflecting on things I have done in the past. Some of them good and some of them not so good. I was getting out pics this week to send to my son. He didn't have any pics of his childhood so after months I finally got it together to go through some of the pics to send to him. It brought back a lot of memories that I had forgotten about. I did have some good times in my life and lots of laughs. I think of I had to go through it again. I would not have gotten married so young and not have children. Don't get me wrong I love my children very much, but the worry and heart break you have with them at times it quite unbearable. You are a mother for the rest of your life that neers goes away and it gets harder as they get older and have a life of their own, because then you just have to stand by and see them make their own mistakes without trying to be a intruder in their life, and when you do finally get tired of holding it in and say something to them, you end up sticking your foot in your mouth and them not speaking to you because you said something they didn't want to hear.... Catch 22 you just can't win. LOL well that's enough for now I find myself getting the egg feeling really bad now...LOL

The Day After Valentine's

I guess we all survived Valentine's Day for another year. I, for one really don't get into the whole thing. I mean come on, one day for buying presents for the one you love....I guess it's really the pressure you have to buy something on this day makes me want to rebel against it. Peter and I show love throughout the year to one another so this day is like all the rest as for as I am concerned. I am happy just to be blessed to have Peter in my life, he might not be as romantic as I would like, what ever that might mean, but I know he loves me very much. That is enough for me. So all this being said he did arrive at home with some red tulips and a cadbury cream egg. LOL Now I have this whole romantic thing going through my head. Like what is romantic, how much is satisfying to me?? I think so far it is the little things that are done.Like cook me dinner or remember something I talked about a year ago opening the car dooor for me, letting me be the person I was meant to be and being supportive no matter whether I screw up every now and then. I don't think gifts come into play at all. I know there is a lot more I can think of , but for right now and if I want to get this posted sometimes this year I better cut this off here. LOL


I have changed to working night shift from now on. Day shift just got to hard on me, my back was really giving me a lot of trouble and some days I was eating the pain tablets I got from the Doctor to get rid of the pain from lifting the heavy patients. At night the patients are all in bed and just have to roll patients side to side to change their nappies(as they are called here). So far while working night shift I haven't had to take a pain pill. So I guess that is better, not that I like night shift. Before I moved here I worked night shift for 8 years and have to get use to working day shift. Now that I am use to working days and going back to nights is going to be tough for awhile. My sleep is completely screwed up at this point because I have been switching from days to nights. Now that I am on nights only I think my sleep will even out.

Well South Park is beginning to start and I need to wind this down....Be care out there

Slow, Slow, Slower

I bought one of those Nintendo lite DS after Christmas. Like I am not already addicted to computer games I have to get more game equipment. LOL Anyway got it off ebay and came with oer 400 games. I believe I have all the brain games up to date. So far my brain age is 56 and rated a C, seems I can't any higher than that at this time. The first time I played my brain age was 80(which 20 is the goal to get to) and my grade was a D- so I have came up, but it is a slow process and keeps getting slower as I play the games.

Speaking of brains.... A girl I work with named Anna she came to work here from Poland about 6 months ago. She had been getting headaches for the last 2 months. She had went to the doctor and they passed it off as migraine headaches and gave her medication which seem to take care of the pain until last week. She went to the hospital and they found out she had a brain tumor did surgery now she is hooked up to live support machines and they are waiting for her daughter to come in from Poland to unplug the life support. She is only 36 years old. We are all gutted about all of this. I don't know all the details of why in the world they didn't get a scan of the brain in the first place or why after brain surgery she is dying. It is so sad. Her daughter wanted to stay behind in Poland to finish up school before joining her parents in Ireland. That is as much as I could get from Anna because she didn't speak very good English. She was a very good worker and will be missed. I just feel very bad for the family and hope they will get through this ordeal with their spirit intact. I know how life can be with someone you love to die. Carrying on day to day living sometimes can be a big challenge. I just pray for that family that they will have peace in their minds.....

Time is passing so fast

Yes all the sudden I realized I haven't posted here for awhile, but didn't notice that it's been since the last of December. Now it's almost the last of January. WOW, I have been working night shifts for the last three weeks so I guess it kind of took me by suprise.LOL I begin on day shift this week so maybe things will go slower for me.

Looking forward to getting a visit from one of Peter's daughter that has moved to America pretty much the same time as I moved to Ireland. She hasn't been back to visit since she left, we did get to see her when we was back for my daughter's funeral about 2 years ago but she has had a baby since and we have never got to meet her husband. Will be very nice to see them all so looking forward to their visit. She will be here last of January and the first part of February. She said she would call when it got closer to the time to let us know when she was coming to our house, because she has more people to visit besides us.

We have our Jewelry on the Internet as of last of December, Looking forward to getting some customers. Our last time we went out to sell was in December and it was a big success. Not too much has happen since I last posted, but thought I better type something. LOL Just to keep this going.

It's raining here and has been for 2 weeks now. You get so tired of the rain all the time. I think it kind of makes you depressed when it rains so much, but on the good side it has warmed up a bit because of the rain. So you have to take the good with the bad. My dog Molly is sleeping on the couch as I am typing this, she is such a good dog and I love her don't know what I would do without her now that she is part of the family. I still haven't got any electric shears to cut her hair. I am afraid I will really mess her up bad if I get a hold of anything electric around her being just regular shears in my hand is dangerous. LOL But will get around to doing something one of these days.

I am waiting for my brother to send me some pics of my daughter and grand daughter so will post them here when I get them for him. So this is Breanna two years ago.