A year ago yesterday

A year ago yesterday I buried my daughter Khristy Annette Begley she was 33 when she died. Still today I can't believe she is gone. I can remember when I had her, I was all of 19 years of age and hadn't a clue. She was over due by two weeks, I went into the hospital on a Thursday and didn't have her until Saturday. The doctor had induced my labor and when I didn't progress gave me something to help me sleep then induced me again the next day. Those were the days that no one was allowed back in the labor room so in order to see visitors I had to walk to the lobby of the hospital to see them during the earlier stages of my labor. I remember at one point I was walking around trying to speed up the labor(so they told me that this would would help) and the lobby was full of people. My brother had just played a football game and brought the whole team to visit... since my labor wasn't progressing as it should,they finally xrayed me to see what position she was in and found she hadn't completely turned around so that's when I had to lay on my side most of the time while I was being induced. Now things get a little hazy... I think it was Friday when they induced me again and I had to spend the time laying on my side and can remember some loud talking down the hall. One of the nurses saying sir you can't can't go in there and another voice saying this is my daughter and I will go in there and see her and you can't stop me... Then my father stood in the doorway and came up to me and ask was I ok... he only got to stay a moment until the nurses ran him out..I found out later that my mom was in the chapel there at the hospital praying most of the time.... If I had of known that I would of really been worried because since I had never been through this I was thinking this was normal labor. Khristy finally arrived on Saturday morning I had a third degree tear(as they called it) because she had such broad shoulders. She weighted 8lbs and 7 ozs. My first child . So I dedicate this post to you , my lovely daughter. You knew that I loved you and I knew that you loved me too, the drugs kept us from having the relationship that we both wanted.

Below is lyric 's to a song by Sarah Mc loughlin ,that was one of the songs I played at the funeral, it was one of Khristy's favorite songs. Also I kept the poem I had one of my good friends to read. That has special meaning to me because I did have a premonition two month before she died, Khristy came to me in voice only and told me she was dying of a drug overdose, told me she loved me and that she was sorry for all the things she had put me through, we had a chance to tell each other how much we loved one another and to say good bye. I didn't know at the time it would be the last time I heard her voice or I would have said more.....

Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There's always one reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps from my veins Let me be empty And weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting You keep on building the lie That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here.

The poem is below...I will miss you every day of my life, a piece of me died with you Khristy, how I wish to hold you as I did when you were a child and tell you that everything is going to be alright. You grew into a beautiful woman and wished I could have protected you from all the bad things in life, but that wasn't meant to be... I know your in heaven and have become a Angel(like you use to call yourself) I love you.....

This the the poem...

Recently I dreamed I talked to you. You were in the desert, and you said That I would never want for love, for you Would love me now until the end of time. I cannot think that you are wholly gone, That one day you could simply be no more, And it should come about that your bright soul Would vanish like a rainbow in the darkness. For me it is as if you were away, Somewhere on a very long vacation. And though I know you're dead, you do not seem To be beyond the boundaries of my love. Our souls do not abide in days or hours But in a love that never, never ends. You will be with me till life is over, Then I with you somewhere beyond the stars

I am alive

I have made it .... I did four 12 hour shifts in a row and 53 wow....I still got it... Well I am not able to do anything since I got off work,but yeah, give me a break I did mention I was 53. LOL

Our handbags came in today from the 2nd party, plus orders from single orders, I don't so far have a party booked for this week because of working night shift, so maybe I can get back to my normal shift, but I have a feeling next month is not going to be normal at all with work. We have this nurse that is taking off on Holiday for a month going back to her homeland India...Still have the nurse out that her husband died...Then the boss has let another nurse go on Holiday the first week in May...I really don't know what she is thinking we don't really have that many nurses to cover all those nurses being gone, I did find out that there is no way I can do a repeat performance with the 4 shifts. I can only do what I can and that's it....I can't help it if all these people want off at the same time and she lets them..Well two she couldn't help..The girl had down vacation time in plenty of time for her to get it together.... Oh my venting is over with. I think LOL

The jewelry is suppose to be in tomorrow can't wait until I get all the orders in and all given out. Peter went ahead and ordered more stuff as samples for me to sow at the parties. So I really need to get my priorities straight... The handbag business should come first because I do want to get out of nursing... So bad....

By working night shift it reminded me when I did work night shift in the States and that was a good memory with the people I used to work with and Peter being there it was a good feeling.

Tomorrow is shopping day because it is the only day I have free... Well I do have the weekend but I really want to take it easy....

Be careful out there

The living dead

Well this week I am working night shift and if you have ever worked night shift you know what I mean by saying the living dead. One night nurse is off on vacation and the other one that usually works night is off because her husband has died. So only on night shift for this week then back to good ole day shift.... also been busy ordered handbags and jewelry from the previous parties. Some of them came in last week so busy delivering the orders....getting the money is the best part. LOL

Not much to say on this post Gotta get ready for work. I have posted some pics on Bebo so if you get a chance visit www.bebo.com and look at my profile, I think I have registered as cindy08 or cindyw08 something like that if you have problems viewing it let me know and I will look up my name on that and let you know. Can also invite you as a friend....

Take care This pic is some pic that someone forwarded me...

My Second Party

It went really great, 11 people showed up and I got over 500.00 in sales. So to sum it up after two parties I have had over 1000.00 in sales.... That is great... I am so glad my new business is doing so well. People like the jewelry and handbags and more importantly they like the price. So I am just getting good input all the time. Only one person out of 11 tonight wanted to give a party. So going to have to work on getting more people to give parties....But I do have 6 people that want to give parties so just have to get back with them on when they would be willing to do it... I am just afraid I am going to run out of people that want to give parties. For tonight I am on cloud 9 and am not going to think of the negatives.. Tomorrow will be another day...Don't know where this pic was taken. It was sent to me in a email and I thought it was pretty.

Take care

Something strange came my way

Well as you know in previous post I had mentioned me joining some support groups on MSN for grieving parents. Well apparently the two groups I joined we in a feud with one another. I got an email from one of the managers of one group stating the other group did her wrong and if I wanted to remain in that group I would have to quit her group. I didn't want to take sides so I quit both groups. Now the one that wrote me the email in the first place, she didn't seem at all interested in my grief it was more about her... So I knew by the email I was going to quit her group, but the other one I didn't really want to quit but I would always have my doubts, so to save myself more grief than I am already in I quit that one also.... So here I am in grief over my daughters death wanted to reach out to like minded people and this is what I get. Go figure...

On a lighter note. I have another handbag party coming up this Friday. I have already got over 400 sales as the results of my first party. Even though I didn't have very many people at the party people that didn't come ordered. So wish me luck.....Today I am just hanging out at the house doing some clean up and of course playing my computer games. I am working night shift next week. Because some of the night shift nurses are off for one reason or another.

We have this crazy women as a patient. Last time I worked she really did my head in, she was constantly around me calling me names, demanding cigarettes,peeing on the floor very mean women. Even though she is crazy she knows what she is doing.... The end of my shift couldn't have came any earlier. After I left work my boss called me wondering if she had calmed down any since she left, and I told her no matter of fact she was getting worse. She had got a call from the nurse that replaced me and the crazy women was just screaming in the sitting room. So my boss had to end up calling the care Dr. in order to give her something to calm down. found out he gave her a pill of Valium. Well that would help on a short term basis, but long term it is not going to matter one bit. She needs to be in a psycho hospital for long term treatment. WE have no nurses that are trained to deal with these type of patients, and as long as she stays with us it is going to be hell, because she takes up all our time and we have more patients to deal with beside her. Also the staff gives her anything she wants just to shut her up and when she has bad behavior she still gets anything she wants no one addresses the bad behavior so she continues as she likes, she even got a knife from the kitchen and one nurse locked herself in the nurses office because she was so afraid of her. All the other patients are afraid of her, It would be interesting to know how this turns out... Because we have had dealing with the mental health board in this country and it total sucks.... They just up their medication and wait until something else happenings no teaching anybody how to handle this type of patient.. Kind of like just do the best you can, call if you need anything and maybe we'll deal with it then(which could be months later)

The sun is shining ,why am I feeling so down?

I feel so depressed today, and really have no reason to be feeling this way. Maybe its the down after all I have done for the last few weeks. Peter had mention going to see his son and wife yesterday and seems like I was all for it at the time. Now I just couldn't be bothered. I don;t want to do anything but set in front of this computer playing computer games. Checking my email seeing if anybody got in contact with me and getting more depressed when I find out nobody has contacted me. Wanting to get out of this mood but not doing anything to help myself get out of this mood. It does help when I do write it all down here in my blog. Helps in what way I have yet to realize. I just guess getting it all down kind of helps me vent and then I can go back over it maybe in a weeks time and see what was going on for me on these kind of days. I haven't bee sleeping very well since the death of my daughter. I usually go to bed way before Peter now he is saying good night to me while I am still up on the computer. My sleep pattern has completely changed and I wake up very tired at times because of it. The days that I do have to go into work I go to bed around 10pm then toss and turn for another 3 to 4 hrs before I finally get to sleep and I wake up wrecked facing a 12 hour shift. Just to do it all over again the next night. No matter how many hours I do get to sleep on my days off I wake up around 10am.

The sun is shining and its a pretty day here, I couldn't even be bothered to go outside, well I did for 10 minutes then came back in just to get on the computer again.....I know things could be alot worse for me and I should be grateful blaaaa blaaaa blaaaa Sometimes I just don't feel like being grateful and I feel like my world is crashing in.....Just one of those days.

The birds are here

Here is pics of the canaries that Peter is raising, matter of fact the breeding is coming along very good, we have at least 1o chicks and maybe more, we won't really know until they are out of their nest and hopping around the cage. Very interesting....

Enjoy

First Party over

Well the party is over . Didn't have to many to show up only three, but did get a sizable order plus all three want to have parties of there own. So I would say it was a success over all. I am completely knackered after all the work in cleaning the house. Peter has three more people that want have parties. So I believe it was a positive experience. Looking forward to booking more parties. I finally got my camera working and took some pics I don't think you can see the detail as much, should have took a closer up pic. So we will see how everything goes.....

Molly my dog just went crazy with all the change in her routine, I really need to get her out more around more people....LOL I will also post pics of the birds we have in another post.

Hey be careful out there

Thursday is my big day

I am going to have my handbag party this Thursday, just have to do a little more cleaning and buy some refreshments and I will be set. I have invited maybe about 10 people, I don't think all of them will show up but if I get a good order it really doesn't matter how many people show up. I already have a girl that wants to buy 2 pairs of earrings and a necklace. I am going to have to get the camera in order to take pics so I can post them on this site...... I got the batteries charged and was going to take pics Sunday... Well found out that the camera had too many pics in the camera and by the time I deleted the pics I didn't need the batteries went dead..... Not having a good camera week. LOL So need to recharge the batteries again..... I will do all that tomorrow will need Peter help in downloading the pics into the computer... just a vicious circle. sometime I must admit I couldn't be bothered. Pics of Ireland

Lazy Day

I didn't do anything today, which was ok by me. Peter fixed the immersion pump(I guess that what it is called) For several weeks we have a slight waterfall outside of our back door. I was beginning to think, well if I dig a hole ,I could have a swimming pool it was a steady stream of water from the overflow pipe. It was fixed today so no more thoughts of building a pool.... I have been playing with my computer games all day haven't even combed my hair(what a slob I have become) If my grey streaks in my hair got any bigger I would pass for the bride of Frankenstein. Its that bad. Put everybody needs a lazy day every once and awhile.

I joined this site called Bebo, its pretty good as I can see, I haven't really been looking on the site to see what all you can do, joined the site because two of Peter's daughters emailed me ask me to join so they could share photo's without having to send each person individual pics. Which that made sense. So that's a rap..... This pic was taken when I didn't want my pic taken hence the finger...

ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY

IF THE SUN IS SHINING IN IRELAND YOU BEST GET YOUR BUTT OUTSIDE BECAUSE IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN TOO MANY DAYS IN A ROW. I FINISHED UP PLANTING FLOWERS AND PUTTING THE PINK GRANITE STONES ON KHRISTY'S GRAVE. IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD CONSIDERING MY DAUGHTER IS BURIED THERE. SOMETIMES I DO TALK TO HER,WHILE I AM OUT IN THE YARD FUNNY THING IS SHE DOESN'T TALK BACK.

I FINISHED CLEANING THE LIVING ROOM ALSO, BUSY BEE TODAY. I JUST FEEL SO BORED, AND EVERYTIME I GO INTO TOWN I SPEND MONEY THAT I DON'T HAVE. LOL I GAVE MOLLY A MUCH NEEDED BATH SHE DID LET ME CLIP THREE NAILS WHILE SHE WAS IN THE BATH. I WAS THRILLED ABOUT THAT, SOMETIMES SHE CAN BE SO ODD BUT OVER ALL IF I DIDN'T HAVE HER I THINK I WOULD GO MAD AT HOME ON MY DAYS OFF, ALONE. STILL HAVEN'T TOOK PICS. SO TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.

PETER IS WORKING AWAY KEEPING BUSY WHICH HE WILL DO BETTER THAN HE DID LAST YEAR AS FAR AS MAKING MONEY GOES. WITH THE DEATH OF KHRISTY AND HIM BREAKING HIS RIB JUST SET HIM BACK ALOT, BUT HE IS ON THE UP AND UP NOW.

THATS MY DAY

I finally did it

I got the flowers planted on my daughters grave that I have here in Ireland. Now the only thing I have to do is spread the pink granite stones that I got at the nursery today and that will be done. It was a beautiful day, the sun was out, birds singing, and everything is starting to bloom,so I ended up planting my hanging baskets and got more plants for my rock garden. Another rose bush and another real pretty flower(forgot the name of it) LOL I am always forgetting... If the weather holds up tomorrow if I think about it I will take some pics, I have been aiming to do that for sometime.

I still have the living room to go as far as cleaning, I just burned out on the cleaning bit as always. It will get done hopefully before my handbag party. Hey, I wore my sandals for the first time this year, reminds me I need to get a serious pedicure LOL I think I am shedding my skin on my feet, feel like a snake. Its my hands and my feet that breaks out in a rash becomes itchy and then peels. I think its some sort of allergy. Heck if I know what I am allergic to, probably my skin. I know that was much more than you wanted to know.

All that is well that ends well.

Put off for another week

I have put off my handbag party until next week, because of this week being Easter weekend and all. So just as well I still haven't finished cleaning. I am so tired of cleaning I could screammmmm, but just goes to show you, you shouldn't put off housework for too long. LOL My brother has called me again, which I had a good conversation and seems like my rage has passed. My son has emailed me to forgive him of his outrage(still don't know what that was all about) but tomorrow is another day. I will be working this Sunday for a nurse that wants to take off, so hopefully I will show up or say hey I'm not falling for that one again. LOL

Life is pretty good. The supports groups I have joined really don't have much to say, so I am not getting nothing out of them as for as support. One site is MSN support group for grieving parents not too many members and they don't seem to talk to one another. I have even contacted the site manger and haven't received a email back. So some support...... The other support group was of drug and alcohol group I have had two people to answer my post and that's as far as it went. I must not be a interesting person, or maybe at that site people just don't know what to say. Who knows, I am only guessing here.......

Better get to bed I will be off the next 4 days and looking forward to some down time before I start my handbag parties.....Nothing too exciting to tell, but sometimes that's the way I like it...

I finally went mad

I can't believe it, but this morning I thought was Monday. I didn't get much sleep last night so getting up at 6:30 am came very hard for me I kept hitting the snooze button until 7am, dragging myself out of the bed got dressed before going downstairs because I knew I didn't allow myself enough time like I usually do to wake up and get ready for work. So after taking care of the dog needs and getting my face on, I went upstairs to say good bye to Peter, as he was half asleep he didn't notice I had my uniform on leaving for work, with a sleepy Have a good day I went off to work. As I was driving I did notice that there wasn't as many cars on the road for a usual Monday morning passing the gas station which was closed I happen to think it must be a bank Holiday and everyone is off work. Parked my car and got out with my big mug of coffee, I walked into the doors at work.... Went into the kitchen and a different person was on duty. She looked surprised and ask was I working today, and I said yes and ask her was she working for the girl that normally works on Monday... Then she says the dreaded words... This is Sunday.... I could not believe it. I said you have to be kidding... Then it happen to dawn on me the less than normal traffic on the road,gas station closed and different people working that I normally work with on a Monday.... What a nut case... To add insult to injury it turns out that it is April fools day.